June 24, 2016

I Hope You Never Experience This

I was in the midst of writing some posts to share the wonderful news that I was pregnant when I had to stop and hit delete. 

Instead I'm writing this post. A post that may not be for you - the people who may still have me on their feeds, but for the people who search for specific terms to find it. Although there are some similar posts out there, I couldn't find any that were exactly or, in some cases, anywhere close to what I'm going through right now. I want to be able to bring my story to others in case they need it. 

I know I'm being a bit vague, so let me clarify a bit.

On January 23rd after a couple of days of cramping but with Aunt Flo (AF) not showing up I thought I would take a pregnancy test. We had been trying for just over 3 months at that point. The test came back very positive. Two beautiful pink lines (and then blue, then a cross, then a "pregnant") came back. 

I was having very irregular periods right after coming off of birth control. I had a 22 day cycle, followed by 41 days, and on my third cycle I ovulated on day 41. I was surprised that I got a positive test so quickly (although my mom always told me that the women in her line are very fertile!). 

I quickly made a doctor's appointment on the 29th which confirmed I was indeed pregnant but it was very early. A couple of weeks later I went back for a dating ultrasound which placed me at 6w5d and a due date of October 6th. We saw a heart beat at this appointment (although it was too soon to hear). 

We told few people about the pregnancy in fears of having a miscarriage, but it was not something we actually thought would happen. Especially since we saw the heartbeat and the chances of miscarriage at that point are so low. 

By that point I had started to have morning sickness, my smelling abilities increased, and my skin was super oily. My stomach was bloated and I looked pregnant. I didn't gain much weight even though I was eating a lot more than normal. 

However, somewhere around 8 weeks my morning sickness disappeared. I knew that this was perfectly normal, but as the next 2 weeks went on I began to grow anxious. I mentioned to my husband that I didn't feel right. That something was off. I didn't have any symptoms. I even emailed my doctor on the 11th of March with my worries. She wasn't in, but a nurse said that since I hadn't had any cramping or blood/spotting that everything was most likely fine and to keep drinking a lot of water. 

I want to say that I wish I had gone to the doctor, but it's not as though anything could have been done at that point anyway. The end had already happened. 

On March 15th I had a monthly appointment with a midwife to do a physical and listen for the heartbeat I was 10w5d at that point (so exactly 4 weeks after my initial dating ultrasound). My husband said I could let my mom go with me to this appointment since we had been told it was just a physical and no ultrasound would be done 

The midwife took information and then said that it was too early to listen for the heartbeat so that we would do an ultrasound. I was excited because I knew that at this point the baby would look like a baby and not just a peanut. 

The midwife started with an abdominal ultrasound and then said my bladder was too full. Which confused me since I was under the impression that for an abdominal ultrasound you needed a full bladder (you do). That should've sent me me warning signals immediately. But what did I know? Maybe I was wrong. She sent me to empty my bladder and told me we would do a vaginal ultrasound (which I don't find uncomfortable at all). 

I was still excited at this point, in hindsight I see that she knew what she was (or, really, wasn't) going to see but was hiding it. And this is what is really bothering me now. But, alas it makes no difference now. But it did make me not want to deal with midwives in the future - I'll stick to OBGYN's. 

I will continue this.... 
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