November 14, 2016


I have to admit that this has been hard. From the moment that I got the two pink lines on the pregnancy test I loved you; there is no doubt at all about that. It is that very love that has scared me and kept me anxious about what may come.
I have taken a step back with my pregnancy with you, without consciously doing so, and have not bonded with you during these first few months of pregnancy as much as I would have liked. I haven’t done it on purpose. My brain is trying to protect my heart, although I know that no matter how much I bond or don’t bond the pain will be the same. Maybe it is helping with the anxiety I face while waiting to make sure everything is okay.
Honest truth is that I am afraid of something going wrong. We are now past the crucial 12 weeks of the first trimester and your heartbeat is there and strong and you are moving around, but that fear is still there deep inside of me.
As of my writing of this (at 12w6d) we are still waiting for our Nuchal Translucency Ultrasound tomorrow (at 13 weeks). This ultrasound along with some blood work that was taken on September 2 nd will give us an idea of whether or not there are any genetic/chromosomal problems. It will tell us whether there is a low or high risk that you have Down’s Syndrome or Trisomy 18. It can also detect other problems like Turner’s Syndrome and other more rare issues. There is no increased risk for Down’s syndrome for you as far as my age is concerned, I’m only 31 (32 in a couple of weeks) but these things don’t always follow the rules and something may be wrong.
I desperately want to bond. I want to feel confident that everything will be fine, that you will be healthy and secure inside of me for the next 6 months. I’m hoping that with the ultrasound tomorrow everything will come back perfect (and who knows, if you are a boy we may even find out tomorrow!) and that bonding connection can become so strong that we feel confident to start picking out names (if you are a girl we already know what your name will be!) and start researching cribs and strollers and all those other needed things for your arrival in March.

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